I've never seen that look before from you.

I wasn't laughing at you or the pain we share. I was off somewhere else not wondering if you care. The problem isn't you but a broken piece in me. I was never sure how much I meant to you until I saw that look and it hurt so much to see. I want to interrupt your dreams and be a better reality but the truth is I'm a nightmare and I can't do that to you so selfishly. Sleep my angels and forget me for a while. I am not without punishment...this kills me knowing what I write is true while I seem to live in denial and struggle to make it up to you. I wish I could be a better tomorrow for both of you. I have so much and see so much less, how can I be so blind and with these gifts so thoughtless? Very careless am I when I leave the room, there is no emotion just me in motion moving and brewing impending doom. I should have a funeral and bury her deep, and deeper still. I might do this but first I must write my will. She is me and I'm her..we are one in the same and I can't understand this part of me but I don't want to I just want to be free and feel no more pain. I am bigger than this. I am also not alone and so lucky to have two people so close to my heart that I would die for but what is it worth when it seems it's all I want to do ...die. I don't want to die. I want to live. I need to look me in the eyes and forgive.